I show sober women how to build the confidence they need to pursue their desires beyond recovery.
July 9. Dropped the kids off at swim and drove to the park. I only had an hour so had been thinking on the way up I should just try to run 30 minutes. See how it feels. 30 minutes.
It wasn’t as hot and humid as it had been and very flat. I put my earphones in, found a podcast and started a slow jog. I resisted the usual thoughts of I can’t believe you are in this place. Why did you let yourself go so much? You have trained for 5 marathons. Ugh.
They weren’t strong today. I was grateful.
The first half was good I felt the power my breathing was normal I was enjoying the scenery. At 15 minutes I started breaking down (it still baffles me and breaks my heart a little to see that in writing) but I was determined.
There was a lot of sadness in my heart from the tragic murder of a young person in our community the day before. My girls loosely knew both of the kids involved and they were in shock. So very senseless and tragic. About then I got a text from my mom asking about it. So I stopped to respond. It was only about a 15 second break!
As I was closing in on time my body was resisting. The muscles in my legs felt tense my chest was tightening, I could see the end in sight but there was doubt. That is the worst and still even after all the work I’ve done, a go to feeling at the first signs of discomfort and pain. Ladies it’s so much better but darn if that evil one doesn’t rear it’s ugly head every once in a while.
I looked at my watch and fought the urge to stop. Come on you can get to 30 minutes. For 2 seconds I could feel that old tape drop into the cassette player and close. My finger was on the pay button. I don’t even need it to start, truly I know exactly what’s on it. It was the running dialogue of my life for 30 years. The love and light from inside smacked that finger away and I carried on.
One foot. One step. One minute. Just keep running.
I could see my car ahead and the much needed port a lot. I looked at my watch and I still had 3 minutes. If you have been a runner you know one of the Cardinal rules of training is never to pass your car. To easy to bail right. I’m out of practice.
I passed my car, one foot, one step. And completed the 30 minutes. There were about 2-3 of those 15 second breaks for texting (I was grateful) so wasn’t a full 30 but close enough for me. There was no celebration, no one with me to high five, no social media post proclaiming my victory.
For me in a still small way this was a failure. A small one and not really when I really look at it from 30,000 feet. But for me the ability to barely run 30 minutes is no accomplishment. Maybe the cassette has been upgraded to an MP3 track and is creeping it’s way through my airpods. I want to resist it. I want to replace it with all things I know for sure.
Why is that hard.
Here was my half ass way of doing it anyway. Hey we are supposed to do things to the best of our ability at any given time right. So this is it this is what I have for my first basically 30 minute run in a long time.
I said I wanted to do something and I did it.
My pride does show up BUT, it’s weak, the tape didn’t start, I humbled myself.
I am grateful for a body that can move no matter in what way.