If you have been following me for any length of time you know that I have been a lifetime lover of all things fitness, nutrition and wellness. I was raised as an athlete my whole life, found distance running in my 30’s and had a good ten year career.
I have studied health and wellness as an extension of my clinical practice and coached many women on making major life changes to support their own physical health. I know a thing or two about how to properly nourish the human body and physically train yourself to do some really extreme things.
That’s why its so disappointing that over the last, three to four years I have been on a steady decline in all of these areas. It had been gradual and mostly related to the stress of raising teenagers and maintaining a marriage and building a practice and starting a coaching business. Oh and raising teenagers.
Then Covid hit the world and that was the straw that broke the camels back so to say for me to just hit the ground running on completely destroying my health. It seems like I have now become addicted to emotional eating. This has never been a problem for me. It was easy to resist the normal temptations that take others out and was a master at planning, organizing and prepping all my meals.
Not anymore. At the first sign of any uncomfortable emotions it was straight to the drive through or one of my favorite giant cookies to drown my feelings in sugar and processed flour. Sad thing is I could see it coming. I knew it was happening and I couldn’t stop it. I literally had no fight.
I have gained over 30 pounds or more depending on where we start from, lost the ability to run even a few miles without stopping, lost most of my strength and muscle mass and struggle with a few injuries.
Physically I don’t feel great. I am tired all the time, I sleep ok ish but likely because its only for five or six hours max per night. I deliberately turned my back on all the things that have not only been important to me but that I know will keep me healthy for the long term and prevent diseases like cancer.
None of my regular clothes fit me. I wear leggings most of the time because for so long I was refusing to buy anything new in larger sizes because it all seemed ridiculous. I have a closet full of mostly things I cannot wear, hoping that soon I will get my shit together and make the changes that need to happen.
I’m embarrassed. And I feel like a hypocrite. That’s probably because I am. I teach my sober community regularly about the power of healthy habits, good nutrition, physical activity and living according to your personal core values. Yet me, as their guide has not only fallen off the wagon but has rolled down the mountain hitting ever boulder along the way.
These feelings have led me to be irresponsible with my own medical care. I haven’t been to a primary care doctor in years for a physical (to be fair my holistic doctor left her practice and started a concierge one that I didn’t feel we should pay for that that time). I haven’t had my mammogram in a few years (COVID was the first reason…now its just because I am disappointed by my health). I haven’t gotten a skin check or regular blood work. I do go to the dentist though. All good there!
For me this is probably the most vulnerable stuff I could ever share with you guys, even worse than any drunken blackout incident from active addiction. Because I know better.
I know how to take care of myself. I know the importance of good clean whole food nutrition. I raised my kids with breastmilk for thirteen months, homemade baby food, zero processed foods or TV. They don’t even know what a Twinkie is. We were a healthy family. What the heck happened.
So why now on a random Friday in July am I making the decision to do all of this. It isn’t the new year or even a Monday. Why am I sharing all of this now with you. You my community, you my potential client, you the follower of and believer of my teachings.
Honestly, I am not even sure. Vulnerability about this particular area of my life is not something I do. But I felt the nudge from God to share about it. And I chose to obey. Darn it.
One other thing that is happening for me (actually for every human), I am aging. I turn 46 this month so I am no spring chicken. Although I always felt I was in great health and would continue that trajectory, things changed. And now I am in the throws I perimenopause, my hormones and metabolism are changing so it feels very much like an uphill battle getting back on a healthy plane.
But despite all that, I know I can do it. I know it works because I have lived it, and I am going to venture a guess that there is someone reading this now who has either been in this spot before or is there right now. I put my hand in yours because I cannot do this alone. Connection is the opposite of addiction.
I don’t know what will come of this process but I am completely on board for walking through it. And whether this helps someone else out there or not, it will help me. I will count it as an exercise in authenticity and discipline. Because one thing I know or sure is doing small things consistently, over time leads to big changes. So I am here for it.