March 11. Today is the day I will complete the 75 Challenge. I am not sure how I feel about it all. In some ways I can feel the old me trying to break through the barriers that mental toughness have created to show up and tear down.
There is an internal struggle between pride and lack. Why did it take me 8 months to achieve 75 days. How mentally tough are you really. And frankly being in an emotionally vulnerable state as it is makes this all the more powerful. It is not my natural way to speak highly of myself or be very prideful. It is in there, but I can tell it still needs to grow.
There is a gap that needs to be filled between what was, the person I used to be and the ways of thinking that drove me to addiction, to feelings of less than and depression and truly believing I not only capable but I do really hard things. That I will achieve my own goals and my dreams are reachable.
It’s no longer the size of the grand canyon but it is there, more like a river or smaller stream and there are bridges along the path. But you know what, I am grateful that I can see the growth. I am proud of the changes I have made and the effort I have put into being and emotionally sober woman.
This morning I was thinking about Michael Jordan and how he was portrayed by Tim Grover in Relentless. He was never satisfied, he never arrived. I really struggled with this book when I was reading it because this concept of do more, hustle more, you have no limits, you are never good enough feels in direct opposition with the approach to life I have adopted and teach others.
I know and believe without a doubt in my heart that I am enough. I am just as God has made me and that is enough.
What I might be realizing is there is an opportunity to believe in yourself, to believe you are enough AND also be in a perpetual process to discover the truth of who you are and pursue greatness. Michael allowed himself to enjoy his successes for a minute, he smiled and was proud and then went right into work. The desire to learn more from what I have done, to see where the gaps are and fill them with discipline isn’t the same as saying I am not enough.
So perhaps it’s fine for me to have a moment with myself to enjoy the accomplishment to recognize the investments I have made and heck even take a compliment from my husband. That is exactly what I did. And I might also enjoy some pizza and ice cream this weekend and then get right into work with Phase 1.
What I know for sure is I do better in life when I have a structure that creates discipline. I very often don’t feel like doing that second workout and I definitely don’t feel like getting up at the crack of down to follow through with my morning routine. But I do it anyway. And I enjoy the changes in my thinking that have come from it.
There are parts of my life that I didn’t like and are no longer part of my experience. Emotional and spiritual growth have carved a path forward that benefits everyone around me.
I am becoming more consciously aware of certain habits or ways of thinking that are on autopilot in my life since the beginning and loosening the talons to drop them into the fiery pits. Letting go of the things that are holding you back is a key to unlocking the confidence and self love that already lives inside of you.
I feel incredibly blessed to be living in such satisfaction with a life I never want to escape from.